Thursday, October 18, 2018

I've Harshly Judged You

When I started putting my journey to fitness and financial growth (and adulting in general) out for the world to see, I wasn’t afraid. I was not afraid of judgments. I was not afraid of how I was perceived by others. My drive was to bring value to the lives of others through the experiences and lessons I’ve had to learn. It came from a place of wanting to help. As I’ve become more suspicious of the motives of influencers, I’ve become extremely insecure about sharing my personal stories online. I don’t want to be self-indulgent. I don’t want to come across as “all knowing.” I don’t want to be a sellout. I don’t want people to compare themselves to me. All of these things I don’t want to happen are things that I harshly judge others for.

That was a hard realization to come to. In judging others harshly this way, I’ve lost my ability to not give a fuck what others think about me and have replaced it with fear of what others will think of me. It breaks my heart a little bit to put that into writing but it is the truth.

My excuse has been that “the Internet is a cruel place.” Unfortunately, this is true. But that is not going to change and that is not an excuse. The best I can do is to change the way I handle that and to remember why I was putting myself out there in the first place. I have to believe in what I’m doing and where I’m going. I have to believe in others and look upon them without judgments, assumptions, and comparisons. I have to remember to assume people are coming from a good place. That all starts with taking care of myself. My judgments are just a reflection of how I’m feeling on the inside, and lately, it’s pretty shitty.

Through working on these things, I hope I can start putting myself out there again. To be able to express myself and make a difference to just one person through my writing is what makes it worth it.
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